The Sing Along Machine/Transcript
The complete transcript The Sing Along Machine Intro {"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, there are a few scenes from the show, followed by a stock footage of a bird flying through the sky at sunset, amid various gunshot sounds.} {Open to a scene inside the Possum Lodge. Camera slowly pans forward.} HAROLD GREEN: And now, it's time to prove that men do not need lives to find desperation, no way, they're loud. And we picked a loud man. Don't you think of the men of Possum Lodge generally? My uncle in particular? He's the leader of the Possum Lodge, and that's only because we weren't— you know, the discouraging lack of turnout on the election day. But anyway, here's the star of The Red Green Show, and that's due mainly to the fact that he has the same name. Anyway, here he is, Mr. Red Green! RED GREEN: Thank you, Harold. Thank you, and welcome to the Possum Lodge. Please don't judge the show by anything Harold says, or does. He's only my producer and director, because first of all, he's my nephew, and secondly, this is black fly country which really teaches you to put up with just about anything. HAROLD GREEN: And I'm here to put juice in the show, like this. {Harold presses a button, which causes the screen to zoom out and spin around on a red background. Zooms back in.} HAROLD GREEN: Hoo ha! Woo! RED GREEN: We may let them watch a half hour of that. Anyway, things are really hopping up at the lodge this week. Eddie made a special stew. Tasted like a Hungarian galosh. HAROLD GREEN: You know what I think the problem is. I think Eddie doesn't concentrate on— when he cooks. RED GREEN: Well, that's it in a nutshell, Harold. And some of that shell. Eddie's mind is somewhere else. HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, Broadway. He wants to sing on Broadway. RED GREEN: Oh, no. I think it's— it's more of the off-Broadway, isn't it Harold? I mean, when he sings it sounds off. I mean, way off Broadway. Maybe the Yukon. HAROLD GREEN: Well, I think we should maybe just get on to the next segment, Uncle Red. Remember that "pacing" thing we talked about at the last production meeting? RED GREEN: Yeah, okay. So anyway, a bunch of the guys, you know, managed to have a word with Eddie. You know, once the keg of PeptAid kicked in. They were kind of rough on him. Especially Moose Thomson, because Moose, he'd had a whole bag full of stew, and the thing with Moose is, he eats so darn fast, he really doesn't taste anything until he's into the third plateful. HAROLD GREEN: We're going... RED GREEN: Uh, yeah, so once Moose had finished, you know, talking to Eddie about his physical appearance, his religious practice, and his ethnic background, Eddie has decided to really back off on the cooking and focus his full attention on the show biz career. HAROLD GREEN: {swinging back and forth} Woo! We're going! RED GREEN: Yeah, I'm— I'm done, Harold, go ahead. HAROLD GREEN: Oh. Oh, uh, uh, okay. All right. All right. {presses button, nothing happens} Didn't do nothing. Okay. {into headset} Larry, Larry, my manual up there? The— {loud, high-pitched noise} Yeah, oh, that's loud! Loud! {screen zooms out to the Possum Lodge exterior} HAROLD GREEN: There we go. Ah! In The Lodge EDDIE JOHNSON: Okay. Attach air raid siren to truck alternator. BILL SMITH: Check. EDDIE JOHNSON: And then, plug unit in. BILL SMITH: All right. EDDIE JOHNSON: Bill, you plug it in, and I'll pump up the volume. HAROLD GREEN: An air raid siren? What— what is this thing, Eddie? EDDIE JOHNSON: This is a karaoke machine, Harold. You see, you put the, uh, the tape, with just the music on it right in here, and then you sing along. Very ? HAROLD GREEN: Wow, I— surprising. Hey, the Japanese workers are in the factories, singing songs, and they're making all those camcorders? EDDIE: The Japanese are very powerful in the business. And there's no business like show business, and that's my business, and now I've got a machine that's gonna hone my skills. {Red walks in behind Eddie.} HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you've got a cup on it. EDDIE JOHNSON: I'm going to be on Broadway, Harold, and you are not going to rain on my parade. I'm going to be the next Bobbita RED GREEN: What does this thing here cost, Eddie? EDDIE JOHNSON: I–I-I-I got a real deal from Murray, see, he makes these in his basement. Oh, wait till you hear the sound on this thing, Red. {Eddie stands up and takes the mic.} EDDIE JOHNSON: Okay, Bill, there's a plug over there behind the stove. Wanna get it? {Bill plugs the machine in. Sparks start to fly, and Eddie shakes frantically.} HAROLD GREEN: Whoo-hoo-hoo! There's a light show, too! {Bill claps.} RED GREEN: Bill, Bill, Bill. ? Looks like Eddie took a big jolt there. HAROLD GREEN: Why? Was he standing in water? RED GREEN: No, but I am. {Murray and Dwayne Woolworth walk in.} MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Hey, Eddie, we got that songbook list for you. What's the matter with him? Singing falsetto? RED GREEN: No, er, he just got some feedback from your Kamikaze machine there. DWAYNE: We brought you the ? tracks to Funny Girl, Annie Get Your Gun, and South Pacific. Except for I'm Going To Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair. Murray and I didn't think you wanted that one anyway. {Two guys walk in.} DOC RENDOR: Well, you don't have to decide right now. Better get away from him, Dwayne. Might be a goner. WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Or is this his version of "silent night"? [ laughter ] "silent night." well, I got my rubber-soled shoes on, so I guess I'll discharge him. Bill, you want to ground that on the stove? You know, with a touch more wire, we could use him to jump-start the lawn tractor out back. All right. Let her rip. [ groans ] ♪ don't cry for me, argentina ♪ [ groans ] you karaoked me! [ groans ] ♪ hey, big spender ♪ [ groans ] I was standing right there, and all of a sudden... [ groans ] ♪ 76 trombones led the big parade ♪ [ groans ] ...I got this incredible shock. Huh? Well, maybe you hooked it up wrong. I didn't hook it up wrong. [ groans ] ♪ how do you solve a problem like maria? ♪ [ groans ] you built it wrong. And you are just darn lucky that I wasn't hurt or... [ groans ] ♪ when you're a jet, you're a jet ♪ [ groans ] ...And suffered permanent damage. Are you feeling okay, eddie? Yes, red. I'm fine. [ groans ] ♪ mine ♪ [ groans ] doc? Very unusual, red. Entertaining as hell, though. We're just lucky there wasn't a polka tape in that damn machine. Amen. Well, murray, I think you'd better give eddie his money back here. Hey, no. No way. I -- [ groans ] ♪ I could have danced all night ♪ ♪ I could have danced all -- ♪ [ groans ] I don't want my money back. I just -- I just want this machine fixed. I need it for my career. Eddie, I-I think, uh, a cash refund is enough of a long shot. Well, see, it -- it wasn't my -- [ groans ] ♪ give me down to there, hair, shoulder length or longer ♪ [ groans ] ...Money. I kind of borrowed it from the, uh -- the lodge, uh, entertainment fund. Well, you guys better work this out between you, but whatever you come up with, it's got to be entertaining or -- or profitable or kill one of you. You know, with that electric-shock thing there, eddie, I thought it was really entertaining. You know what? Maybe we could sell this to alice cooper. Uh, well, maybe so, but she better not touch it till it's fixed. [ groans ] ♪ chicago, chicago is my kind of town ♪ ♪ is my kind of town ♪ [ groans ] what? [ drums and guitar playing ] ♪ don't stick your face in a hollow log ♪ ♪ don't squat on your haunches in a toxic bog ♪ ♪ don't lie faceup in a cattle field ♪ ♪ and don't ever date a woman named crusher ♪ this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to do some rust-proofing on your car. Uh, you know, uh, these days, uh, with the government putting so much salt on the roads, you know, they end up retaining water, and then your car rusts out on you. So you end up having to do some bodywork or some sort of a defensive mechanism. Uh, a lot of people are using fiberglass, put the fiberglass on the car. But, uh, that's hard to do, it's expensive, it smells funny, and, uh, you can't even put a fridge magnet and leave a message for anybody on your car after that. Uh, now, moose thompson -- what he done was he, uh, completely encased his truck in cement, uh, which was kind of a novel approach. It really cut into his gas mileage, but if he's ever in an accident, he wins. But, uh, I want to take kind of a -- kind of a new approach. I want you to think about this. Linoleum. Try putting some linoleum right on your car. It's -- it's fairly inexpensive. It's lightweight. It's durable. And if you get into a fender bender, you know, if you got a decent cushion floor on there, it could save your life. What you do is, uh, take her out and cut her out in roughly the shape of the car. Stick it on with the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. Oh, this will take you three or four hours on a -- on a Saturday or -- or really any -- any day. I mean, that part's up to you. But, uh, I think you'll be quite surprised and -- and to a certain extent amazed, uh, at how it turns out. Now, I'm, uh, kind of on a limited budget, so I did this all with, uh -- with the samples. But, uh, I suppose if money's no object, you would get, you know, the whole roll of linoleum in 9x12 or whatever it comes in, and do it all. Actually, I kind of like this look. And I'm sure there's people out there, maybe yuppies or what have you, that would, uh -- that would want to do it all in parquet or, uh, terrazzo tile of some kind. But this is just fine for me. It's, uh -- it's easy as heck to keep clean, too, because it's a -- it's a no-wax finish. You just damp-mop that down, especially if there's eggs or what have you on it. Comes right up, looks real good. Myself, personally, I'm gonna -- I'm gonna polish this up. But that's just a -- that's a pride thing. That's just something that I have. But, uh, if any of you want to do this with anything, it's the same technique. As long as you got the duct tape and the time, you can have something that looks like this sitting in your driveway. So, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Beautiful, beautiful thing, is it not? "it is autumn. "one last ride in the boat, "one last day at the cottage, "one last drive in the car through the hills, and then the repo man takes it all away." so, anyway, eddie the cook wants us to keep that karaoke machine since it was bought with lodge money, but, you know, it's awful hard to follow the argument when he keeps breaking into rodgers and hammerstein. I can understand good value for the money, but "I am 16, going on 17"? Anyway, the bunch of us went down to murray's store to try to get a refund. We didn't know whether to use brute force or perhaps something more subtle, like, say, closing all the windows and getting stinky peterson to negotiate a settlement. Gee, you know, uncle red, dwayne and murray, they're both lodge members. You know, I really can't see them intentionally ripping other lodge members off. Well, no, no. I agree with that. But just to be on the safe side, moose and helmut took down a couple of pickaxes and a zamboni. That'll get murray's attention, you know. Oh, wait a minute. That's violence. No, no, that's using violence as a tool, and I cannot adhere to violence in any form. Oh, harold, if I had your personality, I'd be against violence myself. Exactly, and I'll bet you that violence didn't get you anywhere, either, did it? Well, it sort of did. Well, murray gave you your money back? Not yet, but I'll tell you -- we got an unbelievable price on work socks. Wa! Wa-a-a! Oh, okay. Oh, okay. All right. Wa-a-a! Yeah, good deal. Way to go. Good work there, uncle red. [ chuckles ] anyway, we may have to go to binding arbitration to settle this thing. What's that? Well, that's where we tie murray and dwayne into a chair and take their teeth out. That's fair. Well, doc, I really appreciate what you did for eddie there. Took a heck of a jolt, didn't he, huh? I'll bet that shows up on this month's electric bill. Well, I've seen my share of electrocutions, red. Really? I'd say -- I'd say he took a peak voltage of 12 million amps of r.C. Wow. Not a curly hair left on his body. Oh? Gee, that seems like a lot of power, doc. That seems a little high to me, 12 million amps. I mean, wouldn't that kill a man? Well, no, no, no, not if you got both feet on dry ground, red. Oh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, as long as the part of you touching the ground is larger than the surface area of your own forehead, you're okay, yeah. Yeah, I learned that when I was working at the generating station. Oh, yeah, like an electricity-generating station? Well, that's the only kind I ever heard of. Oh. Course, I don't know everything. I'm kidding. Yeah, we were the biggest generating station in the hemisphere, yeah -- 86 megawatts per day. Wow. Yep. Wow. [ chuckles ] you know, I remember at lunchtime, some of the fellas and I, we'd, uh...Bungee-jump off the transformer towers. Oh, my god. Oh, you'd be okay. It was till you got close to the ground. Then there'd be this flash of lightning arc across from your sinus cavities right into the metal tool shed. Oh, my god. Yeah, then it would rain. [ film projector clicking ] red: Uh, this week, bill told me to come out into the woods. We were gonna talk about first aid, how to look after injuries, which is a good thing. Now, he's got about an 80-, 90-pound bag of first aid medical equipment there, so he's really well-equipped. This is the surgical tape, and -- oh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, oh, god, oh, the pain. You know, the pain goes right up -- right up your leg. It goes right into your back there, gets into your central nervous system. But luckily bill had the surgical tape right out there. You want to wrap her up, and did kind of a nice job. Little bit of the handyman's secret weapon sneaking into another part of the show here. Did a nice job, but the unfortunate part is, of course, you know, it was the wrong foot. Yeah, no, it's not -- it's that. Ow! And not only up the backbone, but the pain gets right up into your brain, the cranial section. Anyway, he got the other foot, the correct foot, all wrapped up. Oh, oh. Golly. And, uh... Now just get me up into the standing position. You know, we were gonna pretend. Oh, gee. You know, the arms come up there. Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, bill. Sorry. I didn't mean any of that, you know. But I was darn glad it happened. [ bones cracking ] oh, god! Don't stand on my foot, bill! Anyway, if you can get me up into the -- now this is kind of the cantilever, seesaw kind of a -- and I came up, but, unfortunately, bill went down. You know, I really couldn't put any weight at all on the ankle, so, uh, bill says to me, "what you need is some sort of a crutch there," you know, and I didn't have a crutch in his bag. But, uh, he's gonna take a saw -- he's gonna cut me -- he's gonna try and cut something to -- gonna get a big -- get a branch or what have you and maybe -- no, not -- no, bill, that's a little -- that's too -- that's not -- you're not gonna make a -- that's a -- no, that's too -- it's heavy, and it's too big. No, it's not gonna work. No, bill. Ohh! Ooh! [ grunts ] all right, so now this required a little more surgical tape. Now the pain was running from my brain down into my foot. So off -- he comes back with another branch he's gonna make into a crutch 'cause it had that little fork thing, and that's what you need there. And a little high, though. I don't think manute bol has a sprained ankle. Now, bill, don't watch us, bill. Don't look at the camera. Bill -- oh. You know, well, I tried. Okay, so now I'm using the surgical tape on his hand. And now he's got the crutch. You think I'm gonna try this? I don't think so. I don't think so. Show us how it works, bill. Ugh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So now I can just -- oh, sorry. I'll just tighten -- tighten that up. That was a sling, again, out of the bag. So he's got a hand and kind of a busted-up arm, and I've got the head and the foot thing. And now we'll get him up here, just get him up standing now. You know, bill doesn't look all that heavy, but when he starts to rock -- oh, oh, oh, oh! Sorry. Sorry, bill. So I got a little more of the surgical tape, and, uh... This was turning into quite a day, really. We hadn't felt this bad since new year's day. So I've become now, you see, a bit woozy, so I thought I'd... You know, this is the fireman's lift, but, you know, gravity's a funny thing. It can shift -- oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh, my back. Oh, golly. So, this is something I found that's darn interesting. If you get a couple of poles and you get a couple of old shirts out of your laundry hamper, you can -- what you do is you put the sleeves on the poles, over the -- the sleeves of the shirts -- [ chuckles ] well, I have a head injury there. Over the poles, and what you can make is you make a stretcher because once you get the sleeves on there, you do up the buttons, and you got yourself -- you got yourself a stretcher. But, I'll tell you, at this point, I've had enough of bill. I'm hurting, I'm tired, I'm hungry. Ohh! Well, things happen, you know. It's time to go, bill. He can try some first aid on himself. I'm out of here. And over. Well, by golly, it's been -- it's been quite a day. You know, after a few trips to murray's store, we had about as many work socks as we were ever gonna need. At that price, who could say no, even if they were singles? So you've pretty much given up on this refund for the karaoke thing? Is that what you're doing? Well, you're getting a little ahead of me here, harold. Well, that's not too hard to do. Think you can see why nepotism is the main cause of heart attacks. So, murray told dwayne to fix the machine, problem there being that dwayne is not exactly a rocket scientist. He's more of a nose cone. So anyway, dwayne fixed the machine, then he plugged it in, and he ended up getting zapped worse than eddie. Wa-a-a! Worse? Like what? Is he singing, like, broadway show tunes, too? Well, no, harold. Dwayne had a different tape in there. It was lorne greene reading robert service poetry. So it's a nice change, you know, but I think we're gonna be able to straighten up this refund situation at tonight's lodge meeting. [ screeching ] oh, there it is. That's the call of the meeting, uncle red. Come on, we got to go. Well, uh, if you'll just excuse me for a few minutes here, I just got to go down to the meeting, straighten the whole deal up, and it won't take too long. While I'm gone, why don't you just sit quietly and discuss your favorite part of the show so far? [ indistinct conversations ] helmut -- everybody sit down. Shh! Shh! Sit down. All right, all rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. The floor recognizes murray woolworth. Thank you, red. Well, as you know, we at murray's pride ourselves on having the lowest prices around. But that also means that refunds and exchanges are a long shot, at best. [ audience murmurs ] well, even so -- even so -- we have done everything in our power to satisfy eddie here, which led to an unfortunate injury sustained by my assistant, dwayne. Now, there may even be brain damage, but who can tell? Don't worry about me. I'm fine now. [ groans ] there are strange things done 'neath the midnight sun by the men who moil for gold. [ groans ] dwayne has nothing to do with this. I want my... [ groans ] ♪ happy talk, keep talking, happy talk ♪ [ groans ] ...Money back! Don't you listen? Are you hard of hearing? Aren't you listening? Don't you listen? Can you not hear me? You are not going to get your... [ groans ] on the marge of lake lebarge, I cremated sam mcgee. [ groans ] ...Money back! Oh, is that... [ groans ] ♪ I enjoy being a girl ♪ [ groans ] ...So! Look, if you think that you can... [ groans ] sam mcgee came from tennessee, where the cotton -- [ groans ] ...Tell me what to do, well, then let me tell you -- [ indistinct shouting, electricity crackles ] [ chuckles nervously ] well, dwayne. Well. All right, sor-- sorry I'm late. Well, you two have anything else to say, then? Uh, no. No, me neither, no thoughts. What? No thoughts from dwayne? Well, this day is full of surprises, isn't it? What do you suppose just happened there, doc? Well, red, they've either created what's called a spark capacitor and discharged ions of opposite charges, which neutralizes the electrical imbalances of the brain, or -- or it's real love. It's too soon to tell, really. Well, hope for the best on that. Uh, any other lodge business, bill? Okay, then I'm gonna call on doc to give us the evening's entertainment. [ cheers and applause ] okay, fellas! Well, now, I don't think I told all you guys about the time that me and morey amsterdam were fly-fishing on the dead sea. Yeah, twice. Well, as we say up at the lodge, we don't care how it ends, as long as it does. We didn't get our money back, but any machine that can electrocute our cook has to be worth something. And, you know, seeing eddie and dwayne perform together, you get a sense of why vaudeville died. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm in the mood for something dangerous, so you might want to invite your folks over. Well, anyway, till next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. and, luckily, I was wearing an aqualung at the time so I could breathe down there. I was down there about 40 feet, cruising along the bottom, water crystal clear as far as you can see. Way up ahead of me, I noticed there's no fish, but there was some kind of a weird kind of human-shaped thing. And it's paddling and kicking. I look behind me, and there's more coming straight at me, as well! I can see he's got -- hang on there! Finish this story. Not a word of it's a lie. Category:Season 2 episodes